Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's never too late to be topless.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
