It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
