We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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