I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
