I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Randomize
