I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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