dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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