I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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