im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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