Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
