Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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