So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
