Who did Billy Mays play for?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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