I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
