I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
