Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
