ya dads aren't the best wingmen
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
