At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
