Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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