He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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