We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
