you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
