I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
