Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
