I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
