All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
