if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
