he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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