sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
