I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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