On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
