and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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