Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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