So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
