if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
