did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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