If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
