ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
