I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
