Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
