We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
