you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
