Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize