I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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