I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
