Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
