I just made out with a guy for $7.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
