5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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