i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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