rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
