The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
