the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
