She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize