things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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