I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
