im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
