she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
