Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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