Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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