When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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