So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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