I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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