i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
