I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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