I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
