Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
