sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
